She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
