She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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