Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
