dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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