maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
