just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
