Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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