What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
