she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
