the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
