OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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