just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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