I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
this will be a night to untag.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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