and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
