I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
