Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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