So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
