i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
