This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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