Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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