Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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