I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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