apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
