Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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