so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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