Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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