if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
