i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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