I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
