wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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