Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
