God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
