it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
