I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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