We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
