u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
