Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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