She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
