Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
