tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
how drunk are you?
Several
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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