Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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