If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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