Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
