member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
