either way he was missing a nipple.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
