final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
