So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
