Who wears a wallet chain?!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
