Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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