I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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