only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
