WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How does one acquire holy water?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
