I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
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