She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
